somehow i forgot.

When the residents of Taif stoned him, so much so that his feet were soaked with blood, he cried out for divine help. On hearing his plea, God sent Gabriel (Jibrail) who offered to crush the people of Taif between two mountains. What did the prophet say? “No, I hope that Allah will bring out from their offspring people who worship Him alone and associate no partners with Him.” In essence, with his visionary response, the prophet was forgiving the people of Taif, instead of taking revenge against them. source

1st of all, Praises to Allah S.W.T and his apostle, Muhammad S.A.W....

looking back , i was too busy blaming myself n those people around me.deep down hoping that they wud understand and never once leave my side. no one wud ever believe how anger can really blind one heart. my heart. n all these regrets i carry with me (which i cant actly share or even saying it out loud (T_T)), had made things even worse. 4 years back, i remember having the same issues somehow i recovered so well thanks Allah, friends n family. so what different cud it be this time? yes... that question shud've poped-out my mind 5 months ago. The answer is always ALLAH n forgiveness. now i've started the same routine i did, reciting Ar-Rahmaan everytime after maghrib ( i miss this surah it meant so much) =), reading tru Al-quran Tafsir, trying my best waking up in the middle of the night performing isya' n istikharah. i did go tru 2 weeks of silent mode, months of tears, even two nights stay in Masjid but it still wont make that sadness go away. n how taking dadah crossed my mind so many times (effing stupid!). n theres this 1 time i really tot im suffering Schizophrenia n insisted to go meet a psychiatrist (T_T) becuz i think i am totally insane seriously who knows kan if its in ur blood line....so i blamed myself again, saying nasty things such Allah dont love me anymore forget it, he wont forgive me becuz i've commited so much sins already. My akidah was running low at that time. i cant forgive myself too. thats y i dont desrve anyone or any good bla bla bla the mumbling goes on.. but my dear, my dear, my dear... probably u forgot my dear...;) ALLAH ITU MAHA PENGAMPUN. MAHA PENYAYANG. MAHA MENGASIHANI. MAHA SEGALANYA.

i myself forgot how forgiveness used to be the solver of them all. a life savoir ! penjaga hati paling utama;)...so today, I forgive myself. hehehe cuz i forgive others long time ago i just forgot to forgive myself thats y i've been a total org gila in months. hilang pedoman sbb mara ngan diri sniri rase cam nk bunuh diri tikam sampai lumat2. ;).. hahahha what the heck mmg pn sy budak kecik lg tak matang lgsg. urgh...

So anyone out there who is still wondering y cant they move on with their life?.. have a moment n think... have u forgiven urself? yes urself!!!! n n n always remind urself to start things off with "im doing this kerana Allah, kerana Allah, kerana Allah".

footnote: ThanX to HIM, the almighty n him, who has always been the reason y i love Ar-Rahmaan more thn any other surah.;)